captainhornblower | [luceti]

Of course you are.

[she would feel more guilty for what she was about to do if she hadn't already seen how far Horatio would push himself for Archie's sake] But he has eyes, same as everyone else. He'll notice if you aren't sleeping, and he'll blame himself.

I can find one, if you want. You wouldn't even have to explain. It would just be there for you for...however long this lasts.

And if I do that, he'll worry about inconveniencing me.

[He sighs, shaking his head again.]

I've done this before, Jilly. I just... [it was a soft, uneasy chuckle] I just wish I remember what I did.

[that gets the smallest of smiles. Any frustration she'd come with has been forgotten]

From what I've heard? You believed in him. You treated him like a whole person. That's all.... if 'all' is really fitting in a case like that. That's more of a gift than most people know to give.

[A beat. Then, very, very low, as though he was afraid to let himself hear the words.]

I'm not the man I was then.

[she doesn't argue the point. Instead, she listens. She watches him, feeling the weight of the admission. And then her head tilts just slightly]

...Do you see him differently? Do you think he'll be unable to heal, this time? Or that he's broken?

[it isn't a leading question. She's genuinely asking]

No.

[It's sharp, quick. Almost hurt. But it's honest. It isn't defensive, not to the point of being a lie.

His voice softens the next second.]

But he needs someone to lean on. I... I know that.

[He smiles. A very careful smile, perhaps twinged with a bit of sorrow.] I was younger, then. Stronger. Stupid, even. I thought I could take on the world. Keep him safe from anything.

I... don't think I can, now.

[the sharpness of the denial actually gets a smile. A relieved one.]

So you know you can't keep everything from him. Alright. He's strong enough to handle it. Stronger than he realizes, certainly.

All that matters is that you still believe in him. Any other changes...

you'll be alright. And so will he.

I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be the reason he withdraws too far.

There were times... [But he can't bring himself to continue that thought.]

Hurt...

He's going to hurt, Horatio. That's...part of where he's at right now. But you being there eases that. And, this time, I hope you won't have to be the only one. This isn't the navy. There's no one for him to have to live up to except himself...and you.

As for withdrawing too far...we won't let that happen.

["And have to listen to how Horatio Hornblower saved his shipmate."
"It wouldn't be like that, Archie."
"It would be exactly like that."

...And Archie had always been kind enough not to point out that he was right.

Rationally, he knows Jilly didn't mean to, but those words... "There's no one for him to have to live up to except himself...and you."

"Post in ten years!" "Of course. You're Horatio Hornblower."

"This isn't the navy."

Four words escape him.]

I am the Navy.

[Or he might as well be, as far as Archie is concerned, he knows.]

No, you're not.

[she can be firm on that. She's heard how Archie speaks of the Navy. She's heard how he speaks of Horatio. The two are worlds apart]

The Navy is part of you, but you are more. The Navy couldn't see past the surface to notice what he will be later. You could. And still do.

Admiral Pellew believed in him. [Or believed in Hornblower's faith in Kennedy.

One or the other.

He sighs.] I just... I don't want to fail him-- Archie. I'd never forgive myself.

So a good admiral...and a good captain.

[there's another pause. She refuses to just write off his fears as baseless, even if she has faith in him. She knows how powerful doubt can be]

Why do you think you'll fail him? How would you?

[Horatio tried to find the words.

A thousand fears swam in his mind.

He'd changed. At nineteen, there had been no secrets. What couldn't be said was still known. Archie had laid everything before him, and Horatio had taken it in stride, as he knew he had to.

But now... He'd refused to tell Archie things at twenty-five. He'd evaded a direct question. He'd lied to him here, now, too. And if Archie ever found out... What would he think? Try as he might to tell himself he hadn't technically lied, Horatio knew better. He'd given Archie every reason to think that, in his world, Archie was his first lieutenant. He hadn't told him his fate. ...He'd just wanted to see him smile, if only for a moment.

Only a few words would come.]

He... needed me then. Or. At least. Needed someone. And I suppose I did the job well enough.

But I'm not that man now. I don't think I can do what he did.

He needed someone, yes. But you didn't just do the job well enough.

[watching him for a moment, Jilly considers him before moving to perch on the arm of the nearby couch.] Helping someone through so much...it takes patience that very few people have. Which is alright. It's why, most times, you need a network of people around you to keep you upright. Otherwise, it's too big a burden for one person to bear.

But sometimes there are those people who just...carry you. [it had been Angel for her. Horatio for Archie] You carried him. That's beyond jobs and minimums.

[she crossed her arms over her chest] Maybe it'll be too much to do it on your own a second time. And, really, maybe that's a good thing. Because getting help might be good for both of you. But I think you aren't giving yourself enough credit.

[luceti] - Appointments

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