[luceti] - Appointments

[captainhornblower]

Messages and meetings for Cpt. Horatio Hornblower.


(Please title and date as appropriate.)

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[captainhornblower]

"What?"

Horatio's gaze focused again, having wandered off just slightly to the side as he picked through memories and nightmares of his own, trying to find something to say to Archie. Something that didn't sound forced and hollow and utterly lacking.

The question jars him, and soon he shakes his head, pressing his palm over Archie's hand rather than just the tips of those fingers.

"Nothing, Archie. Nothing."

[simplestgift]

Archie's throat works. It's hard to swallow.

"Nearly ten years later and I still don't understand how someone could bear to do it. How he could do it with such joy, Horat--"

He leaves the last syllable off Horatio's name as his throat closes altogether and his eyes sting.

[captainhornblower]

"Evil."

The word comes out low, and there might have been a tremor to it.

Horatio took a deep breath, pressing his hand against Archie's but nothing more.

"Before I set foot on that ship, Archie, that word was... intangible. It was... something that was talked about that I couldn't ever quite say whether it existed or not." His eyes focused on Archie's. Anger, horror, sympathy, guilt, uncertainty. "But he... Meeting him, learning about him... Taught me what evil is, Archie. There's no other explanation for him or what he did."

[simplestgift]

"...Then what is evil, Horatio? Why did this happen?"

[captainhornblower]

Horatio sighed as he thought. "I don't know. If there is... something wrong... with anyone, Archie? It was something wrong with him. I... don't know what. I'm not a doctor, if it's medical, or a religious man, if it's something to do with the soul... But any fault, Archie..."

Any fault lies with him.

[simplestgift]

"I stopped fighting him. Am I damned for that?"

The scariest thing is that that is not sarcasm. That is his darkest fear, that the cessation of protest amounts to consent.

[captainhornblower]

Horatio looked right at Archie, face serious. He did not offer an immediate answer. It was a thought made Horatio have to think.

After a moment, he shook his head slightly. "No. No, I don't think so." He couldn't offer a definitive answer. As he said, he was no religious man. He had not even been terribly pious until after Archie's death found him knelt in a church. "It was..." He could not be sure of it, he could only guess, knowing what he did of Simpson. "It was survival. Or I would think so. And any God who would damn a man for what he needed to do to survive... is not a God I could pray to."

[simplestgift]

"What does it matter if He is still God?"

Archie doesn't believe in a God like Horatio described, no. He certainly doesn't believe anyone else would be condemned for it. Even a court-martial would not condemn him. But the fears remains.

[captainhornblower]

Horatio frowned. It was a question he couldn't answer. Any answer he thought of that he could state with force was near-- if not outright-- blasphemy. Still, with Archie... perhaps he would risk it.

"Because perhaps if people won't pray to Him, won't follow Him, he would not have the power He does." It was blasphemy, worse in his thoughts. A captain was God on his ship, but without his crew following him, he had no power.

He swallowed hard and shook his head again. "And a God who gave His son to fie for the sins of men... has more mercy than that."

[simplestgift]

Archie blinks rapidly--not the tense, fearful fluttering of his eyelids that signals fear or anxiety, but actually fighting tears. "Then may that death be sufficient to cover my sin."

Because that is how he views it. He has taken responsibility for "his part" and that helps him to feel less helpless about what happened.

[captainhornblower]

Horatio sighed softly and bowed his head slightly.

He thought of that small church he'd found. How he'd walked in unbeknownst to the priest, knelt before the altar, and prayed. Then spoke with the priest when he was found. Talked about a man sacrificing everything for the sin's of another, taking the weight of the world's scorn on his shoulders to spare someone else. Looking up at the crucifix above and behind the altar, seeing the figure of Christ on a cross and feeling the weight in his chest at the understanding he'd always lacked.

"It has to be."

[simplestgift]

He let his breath out. "God's forgiveness. No one ever thinks of that when they speak of a captain being God on his ship."

[captainhornblower]

"Mercy is important. Mercy mingled with strength breeds respect. Mercy without strength breeds chaos, and strength without mercy breeds fear."

[simplestgift]

"You see? You were always meant to be a captain. You're such a great hope for the navy."

And that was why Horatio stayed when Archie could not. And why, as much as he hated it, England ultimately needed him back.

[captainhornblower]

Horatio swallowed hard, drawing his hand back from Archie's as he shook his head once.

"I'm afraid I'm much better of a hope when I speak than when I act."

[simplestgift]

"...What do you mean?"

[captainhornblower]

"I am the type of captain I would have been wary of as a lieutenant." It was hard to think of, and the incident could never feel excusable in his mind. "The kind... you would have muttered under your breath to a fellow about."

[simplestgift]

"Why?"

[captainhornblower]

"Thirty-six lashes."

[simplestgift]

"...Thirty-six."

[captainhornblower]

"The doors to the stove were left open. The entire galley was on fire. It was gotten under control, put out... But the ship could have burned so easily. I... thought it was negligence. Carelessness by one man." He looked at the table, staring at its surface. "It was malice... by another man."

[simplestgift]

"You couldn't have known that."

[captainhornblower]

"Thirty-six lashes. He had every right to hate me."

[simplestgift]

"You didn't do it out of spite, or for some crime that was clearly imagined. Even good captains make mistakes, Horatio, they're just very good at hiding when they do."

[captainhornblower]

He swallowed hard. "I was so afraid of appearing weak, of seeming to have favourites."