captainhornblower | [luceti]

Hour ago.

[A lie, plain and simple... and told with no conviction. He knew she'd know better, and he didn't care. Maybe she'd decide not to call him on it, not to point out that it had been quite a bit longer...

He wasn't really sure when.

Horatio looked over at Archie, as though expecting the conversation to wake him and both dreading and anticipating that it would. All the reassurances in the world from the doctor would not matter to him, not until he saw Archie awake, spoke to him, saw him properly on the mend. He rubbed his eyes, rolled his shoulders back, and sat up straighter.]

It's late, isn't it? You should be at the house. You need to sleep.

["Do as I say, not as I do" is obviously one of his life mottos.]

[she sighed a little at the lie, but her only concession to catching it was to hold out one of the sandwiches to him]

I haven't been at the house in four days.

[There's something reproving in her tone, mild as it is. The house. Her apartment. His. It didn't matter. She'd been here as long as Horatio had. What bothered her wasn't that he hadn't noticed. What bothered her was the double standard. It was that line of thinking that had gotten them into this mess to begin with.]

[The Admiral of the Fleet could have walked in, announced himself, and been completely ignored by Horatio Hornblower in the last several days. His mind had been a ship at sea, tossed about between the present and the past. His thoughts a web of bittersweet memories, a lust for vengeance, and the constant admonition that Archie had been hurt because he had not been there.

He had, once again, failed to be there when Archie most needed him.

When he registered the sandwich held out to him, he reached out to take it, but he only held it, not yet eating.]

A-ah... Forgive me.

[the apology was ignored as she nodded at the sandwich]

Eat that.

[it was an order. Not from an admiral. Certainly not from anyone with the authority to demand anything of him. But it was delivered with the confidence of someone who knew it was going to be obeyed]

[she eyed him again, lips pursing slightly] I brought you coffee, too, but I'm thinking maybe I should have just got more water from the vending machine.

You can't keep this up.

[The word "coffee" produced an immediate reaction. His hand not holding the sandwich reached for the cup. That-- that was a blessing. The gift of an angel.]

[and, almost as quickly, she lifts both cups out of his reach.]

Sandwich first.

Damn it.

--Pardon.

[Yes, he'll still excuse himself every time he swears.

Finally, though, he takes a bite of the sandwich... which is all it takes for him to realize that he is, in fact, hungry. He eats it slowly enough but steadily.]

[once he's truly eating, she relents, passing him one of the cups as she sips her own. It's black, and not particularly high quality. Hospital coffee never was, even in kidnapping worlds it seemed, but it was warm and the caffeine would affect them the same regardless of the taste.]

[He survived Styles's attempts at coffee, he can survive this.

After finishing the sandwich, he sips at the cup of coffee, once again glancing over at Archie. His words caught in his throat, and he drank to clear them away. There was so much to say, but, at the same time, not a word would come out.

Instead, he looked at Jilly, dark eyes studying her intently. Because there was nothing else he could do. Then, the words as hollow from his lips as they've sounded from everyone else's.]

He'll be okay.

[He has to be.]

[her voice was firmer than his, buoyed by confidence in Doctor McCoy, if not completely void of fear] He will be.

He's recovering, Horatio. He'll wake up when he's ready.

[drawing her feet under her on the chair, she returns his gaze unflinchingly. For all her confidence, she didn't usually do well under close scrutiny...but it wasn't really her he was seeing anyway. She was pretty sure he hadn't actually seen anyone other than Archie or the Doctor in days]

He's not the one I'm worried about, right now.

[a partial lie. But true enough for her purposes.]

Edited 2011-06-12 06:59 (UTC)

[He sighs and takes a long drink of coffee, closing his eyes for a moment.

At least now he doesn't have a noose hanging above him. He can devote his whole self-- body and mind-- to concern for Archie, consideration of what to do next. He does not have to worry about selfish matters. About a farce of a trial. He could simply worry about Archie.

He opens his eyes and looks at her.]

You should be worried for yourself. You might still be in danger.

[Yes, Horatio Hornblower is going to remark on someone else's lack of self-preservation.

Hypocritical as ever.]

It's not myself I'm worried about, either.

[matter-of-fact, with a pointed look to make her emphasis clear. She shakes her head right after, though, giving in to the concern even if she doesn't like it. And even if she suspects its meant more as a distraction than anything else.]

If another attack is really something we have to worry about, I can't get any closer to the clinic than I am now.

[Horatio manages a slight smile, bowing his head politely before taking another drink.

He wants to deny this, really. He wants to think she's talking about someone-- anyone-- else.]

Who are you worried about?

[there's a teasing response there, about captains and skills of deduction, but she's too tired to manage it, and they're both too serious for it to sit right.

Instead she simply shakes her head] You're no good to him if you run yourself into the ground. He's going to need you when he wakes up. At full strength. That means eating and sleeping...

Both of which you're failing pretty spectacularly at.

I try to sleep.

[That much is honest. He won't leave his post beside the bed, but he has tried to sleep. He does not mean to wake up like he does, pulled from whatever rest he might have been catching at every hour and every half.

But worrying like this for Archie raises too many ghosts.]

And I've been eating.

[When forced.

In order to get coffee.]

I'm sure the coffee is really helping with that.

[she's already regretting bringing him another cup, even as she's grateful for the boost herself. Double standards...the room was full of them] You need a proper bed.

[a pause] If I asked Doctor McCoy for a cot, would you try it, at least?

[He doesn't even need to think about it.]

No.

[He won't fall asleep. Not any further from Archie than his chair is. He won't leave Archie, won't let himself slip into that unaware state of pure sleep.

Between the wounds, the fear, the memories, and the ghosts...

Leaving Archie again would be the worst crime he could commit.]

I'm comfortable.

Right. If by comfortable you mean that your neck is probably stiff as a board and you have to have lost feeling at least 10 times from not changing positions.

[...]

Give me a good reason not to get Len to slip tranquilizers into your next cup of coffee?

Because if you do, he'll probably get the idea to do the same to you.

[He's not leaving the chair, damn it.

Then, quietly, he adds.]

Jilly. [The seriousness of his voice might well detract from any sense of accomplishment that he has temporarily dropped "Miss."] I've sat by many bedsides.

I... I can't afford to be asleep when something changes. I can't risk not being here.

[For better or worse. Whatever change comes, he won't be away from Archie's side when it happens.]

[that...was a very real possibility. One that does indeed make her reassess the option of enlisting outside help.

It's the need in his voice that convinces her, though, causing her to sink back in her chair. For a moment, she'll look almost as tired as he does.]

So don't leave, but let me bring a cot in for you. In here. With him.

[Another time, the unexpected familiarity would have brought a smile or a laugh and more than a little teasing. Now it doesn't even register. They're both too invested to notice much else.]

You can't afford to miss him waking up, but he can't afford to find you half-dead, either. He's going to want to know you're okay.

[a beat] Even if that's a lie.

I've managed with less sleep before. And less to eat.

[As long as he always had a reason to keep going.

What he doesn't say is that his drive to care for himself, his drive to do anything... is stalled. Ready to either abandon him entirely or kick back into full force.]

So have I. Managing isn't the point.

He is.

[her gaze slides to Archie, lingering on the lieutenant for a long moment.

She doesn't say it. That Horatio taking care of himself is what he'd want. But it lingers in the air between them all the same]

[Horatio's shoulders slump a bit, his arms rested on his legs. For a moment, the pure exhaustion shows.

Years of exhaustion.

The years that he's been going and going, pushing himself on with his life and away from anyone else who dared to try to get close. Years of building walls.]

I swore I'd never be in this position again.

I'd never have this much to lose.

You didn't know you'd get him back.

[I swore I'd never be in this position again. Sometimes, you weren't given a choice]

[He took a small breath and closed his eyes.]

I can't lose him again.

[luceti] - Appointments

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