[luceti] - Appointments

[captainhornblower]

Messages and meetings for Cpt. Horatio Hornblower.


(Please title and date as appropriate.)

Comments

[simplestgift]

[Archie stills and watches him. Waiting.]

[captainhornblower]

[This has never been a tactic he's used with Archie before. Ever. But it comes out now.]

It doesn't matter.

[Evasion.]

[simplestgift]

[You're forgetting, Horatio: you have used it. You still haven't told him what you would say at the court-martial, although he has always suspected in spite of what he has told others.

But as always, there is a difference between wanting to know and needing to know. As much as it hurts, Kennedy will respect that difference. They are long past the point of needing to know everything about each other.

All the same, he would like to know something.]

No. I suppose it doesn't.

[captainhornblower]

[He looked straight ahead.

If he couldn't tell Archie... He couldn't tell anyone.

Granted, there were things he could never tell Archie. Things he'd take with him to his grave. Things that Archie might-- surely did know-- but would never hear said. After all, what was there that Archie didn't know? At least before his death.

And then it comes out, very quietly.]

I used to think I was a good man. Or close to one, at least.

[simplestgift]

You are a good man. [Nothing, absolutely nothing, will convince Archie otherwise.]

[captainhornblower]

I doubted it... after the Renown.

[A pause. That doesn't need to be discussed again. They're run that circle enough for now.

Instead, he continues.]

After the Peace, I knew I wasn't.

[He's taking his time about it... but he's getting at something.]

[simplestgift]

Horatio...

[A slight shake of his head. You saved me. Not just my life. You saved me.]

[captainhornblower]

If things had been different-- how you'd been brought here--

If you had a wife, Archie, with a child on the way. And you were dragged to a place like this. What would you do? [It's a purely hypothetical question... right?]

[simplestgift]

[Archie's lips part in astonishment.

This probably should have come up before now. It's not even a fact that would have blown Archie away if Horatio had mentioned it at first. But Horatio has been here almost a month, and the fact that he neglected it until now...]

What?

[captainhornblower]

You'd fight like hell to get back, I think.

[Almost a month, and he's never thought of how to talk about Maria. How to tell Archie about, really, what should have been one of the biggest moments of his life.]

Because you're a good man.

[simplestgift]

[Kennedy simply stares. Horatio needs to get on with it, explain what's going on,]

If...Horatio, if this woman makes you miserable, then perhaps you should fight like hell to stay instead.

[It's a horrible, horrible thing to say when there's a child coming, but it comes out. No matter what, no one back in England will know Horatio was ever gone.]

[captainhornblower]

My duty is to England, Archie. As an officer in His Majesty's Navy. And to her, as a husband. And her-- our-- [He can scarcely believe that he has a child on the way; it seems somehow impossible.] child, as a father.

[His voice breaks a bit.] But, by God. If I were given the choice tomorrow, Archie? [A pause. He hates himself even as the words come out.] Damn it, Archie. I can't say for certain I would do my duty.

[simplestgift]

Duty, Horatio? [Now Hornblower is about to get a taste of how Kennedy has changed, as Archie's speech gets more and more passionate.] Duty is whatever the hell anyone of a higher rank than you tells you it is. Half the time it doesn't mean a damned thing and the other half it's used to justify everything some over-starched uniform has half a mind to do, whether it's flogging his own man within an inch of his life or sending a battalion of shoemakers to their deaths in a mission known to be hopeless. They concern themselves so much with everyone else's duty that they're entirely unburdened by whatever theirs may be. If England wants you back, it can bloody well wait its turn!

[captainhornblower]

[And for several long moments, Horatio will just stare. His mind is trying to process everything he's just heard and his own reactions.

On the one hand, he's impressed. Granted, Archie always had a bit of cheek to him where authority was concerned. But that vitriol. That fire. It's impressive and it's frightening and he wants nothing more than to tell Archie that all will be well and that he's not leaving ever. Not if he can help it.

On the other, he's horrified. He wants to shake the man, even hit him. Anything to snap him out of it. An officer of the Navy should not-- does not speak like that. Especially to another officer. Especially to his superior officer. Hadn't Archie said he was right to call himself Archie's captain?

Anger and pain battle in his voice when he finally finds the words to speak. Almost every word is choked; it's a fight to say anything.]

England is all I have, Archie.

The day you died-- hours later-- they gave me that God damned Spanish sloop. New flags and a new name. Retribution. Thirty pieces of silver, all it was. "Shut up, get out to sea, and don't cause a fuss." I buried everything when I buried you.

I knew-- I knew I wouldn't survive something like that again. That pain. That loss. God damn it, I knew it would kill me if I let it happen again, so I didn't let it. I made sure-- made sure that I would never be in a position where I had so much to lose.

And now-- and now you're here. I'm here. I'm talking to you again. And it terrifies me, Archie. That I might go back. That you might go away. That you might die again. That I might have to sit by your bedside again and watch you die. Or worse-- not be there at your side when something happened. Or that this is all a dream, and I am going to wake up tomorrow back in my house or on my ship, and I'll spend another God damn year looking for you. Talking to you. Writing to you. Knowing full well you won't ever be there.

[He tries to go on, but nothing will come out for a moment. Then, finally, it does. Very, very softly.]

God damn it, Archie. I'm scared.

[simplestgift]

[For a long moment, Archie is speechless. A long, impossible moment. He looks like he might weep at any second, eyes moist but not tearing just yet.

Horatio wrote to him.

His throat is tight, his voice low, when he finally speaks.]

We have both done our duty for England, Horatio. Can we not have this time together, with a measure of peace? Just this time. England will have you back without even knowing you were gone. Just this time without wishing yourself back in that place. Without any...[He chokes a little.] Without fear of what awaits.

[Then, softer, near a whisper.]

Please.

[captainhornblower]

[Horatio chuckles, but it's a desperate, dry, harsh sound. There is nothing funny, but he has to laugh. Because if he does not force that strange laughter, the tears in his eyes will fall, and he cannot bear that.

But he does put his hand behind Archie's head and leans his forehead against his friend's.]

You're going to war, Archie, and I will not be by your side-- where I belong.

I am going to be frightened every second of every day until you come back.

But once you come back-- you have to come back, Archie. There won't be another word about England, I swear it. Not another word.

[simplestgift]

[His eyes close against the sting, and he bows his head further, breaking contact.]

That isn't what I asked of you, Horatio.

[A little hesitation.]

When I come back. Don't be afraid of what comes after. Whether you're here a day or ten years, you're here now.

[The same is true of me.]

[captainhornblower]

[Horatio sighs and nods a slight bit.]

I promise.

[simplestgift]

Horatio. When you give your word, I know you will keep it. If you give it to me now, don't start a habit of breaking it.

[captainhornblower]

[A pause, and Horatio bows his head in acknowledgement.]

I'm going to be afraid, and I'm going to worry. About you. About the future here. About going back.

But I won't let those thoughts rule me. I will not let myself fall too far into them.

And damned if I'm not going to be grateful for every second I get with you.

[simplestgift]

[There. That is honesty.]

Thank you. I won't ask a thing more, Horatio. I couldn't expect it if I did.

[captainhornblower]

I'd give you more if I could.

[But he knows himself better. Just as Archie knows him better.]

But I can swear to that.

[simplestgift]

I know you can. It takes time. To...to not think constantly about whether it'll be this heartbeat or the next. Eventually you'll be so sick of the fear you'll stop being afraid.