Second Dispatch - [written]

[captainhornblower]

Monday, 16th May, 18

I have recently been given to thought about the [a pause in the writing as he considers his wording] conflict between this place and the [another considerable pause] worlds we come from.

How does one balance the two? I understand some have been away from their proper homes for some time. Surely some of you left behind obligations. How do you reconcile the need to return to them with your presence here? Do you somehow put them out of mind? Do you merely accept you cannot fulfill them until you return? I find the matter trying my conscience sorely.

I would appreciate any counsel on the matter.

Hornblower

Comments

[action]

[captainhornblower]

A gamble I had to take, Archie.

...I owed you that much.

[action]

[simplestgift]

It could have ruined you. You didn't owe me that.

[action]

[captainhornblower]

Your family deserved to know what you'd done. I couldn't bear them thinking you'd...

And it wouldn't have done to write them.

[action] 1/2

[simplestgift]

No. It wouldn't.

[action] 2/2

[simplestgift]

...






Thank you.

[action]

[captainhornblower]

I wish I'd gotten to meet them under better circumstances.

[action]

[simplestgift]

As do I.

...Who was there?

[action]

[captainhornblower]

I only properly met your mother and father.

I... had pressing business elsewhere, I'm afraid. I couldn't manage to stay long. [Sounds bad on his part, but it's better than saying he was pretty much shooed out of the house. Then again, he couldn't have expected more. Going to a still-grieving family to tell them that their son had given up his name and pride to save him?

No... no. He couldn't have expected anything else.]

[action]

[simplestgift]

[It takes him a second to gather himself.]

Then you've heard...nothing of them, since?

[action]

[captainhornblower]

I'm sorry.

[He should have done something for them. Tried writing them later. Done anything.

But the patriarch had, at least, made it clear that he wanted to hear nothing from anyone with the surname Hornblower ever again. He'd meant well, reaching out to them, but he'd caused pain...

He hadn't dared risk it again. But damn if he didn't feel guilty now.]

I never thought to write them.

[He knew it made him sound heartless. But better Archie should think ill of him than know why he hadn't kept in contact.]

[action]

[simplestgift]

They wouldn't have responded.

[Archie knows, Horatio. You don't have to tell him. He was their youngest, the one everyone else wanted to take home. He knows.]

[action]

[captainhornblower]

[There's too much to say.

...From Sawyer's fall to being away from the Renown when the Spanish freed themselves to not noticing the wound sooner when it might have been treatable to letting Archie confess to how he'd handled Archie's family...

His voice breaks in the two short words he manages to get out.]

I'm sorry.

[action]

[simplestgift]

It isn't...

[Then the full meaning of those words hits him.]

H...Horatio?

[You haven't been carrying this for the last three years, have you?]

[action]

[captainhornblower]

[Horatio opens his mouth to speak, but nothing will come out. So he simply... reaches over to grip Archie's shoulder again and lean toward him a bit, bowing his head.]

God in Heaven.

I'm sorry.

[action]

[simplestgift]

[His voice is low, almost a grunt.]

No. No, Horatio. There was nothing you could've done.

[action]

[captainhornblower]

There was plenty I could have done.

It should never have come to that.

[action]

[simplestgift]

You can't control everything. You couldn't control what I did.

[action]

[captainhornblower]

How could I have thought we'd get away with it, Archie? Even just that meeting? We were always being watched. Of course someone would have gone to Sawyer. It was suicide. Not just for me. For all of us.

["Officially" the plan had belonged, step by step, to Buckland.

After all, a junior officer pulling not one but two senior officers into the fold of a mutiny? Certainly not. But... Alone with Archie, Horatio would not deny who had really been the ringleader.]

It was suicide-- madness, really.

[As with every bad situation in the past, Horatio has replayed it countless times in his head, noted every possible flaw... and made up a great deal many more.]

[action]

[simplestgift]

It would've been suicide if we hadn't acted. For us and for the rest of the crew. God alone knows what would've happened to Wellard.

[action]

[captainhornblower]

Do you... think we were too cautious? Should we have acted then? The lieutenants, the midshipmen, a third of the crew... [He'd never thought to tell them what Matthews had passed on to him. That a third of the crew at least would have stood with them... Maybe more if they'd actually acted.]

[action]

[simplestgift]

Then more necks would have stretched than my own, Horatio. Let it be.

[action]

[captainhornblower]

I'm sorry, Archie.

[He knew he was thinking too much. That he'd always thought too much about this. He sighed.]

I never forgave myself for what happened to you, Archie. For the position you were in. Your injuries... and what you did for me.

[It's more than he likes to admit. More than he would ever say otherwise.]

That was the only reason I found any reason to wake up. To eat. [He hadn't been suicidal... not actively. But might he have fallen so far into apathy that food and rest might have been forgotten...? Horatio didn't trust himself with that answer.] Knowing what you'd done for me. That I couldn't let that be in vain.

[action]

[simplestgift]

Horatio...

[Why are you telling him this? You're supposed to be okay. He'd set everything up for you so you could have what you wanted, so you could live. That was supposed to make everything right.]

I couldn't do anything else. Whether or not I'd been wounded, it wouldn't have changed anything.

[action]

[captainhornblower]

If you hadn't been wounded, I wouldn't have ever let you.

[action]

[simplestgift]

You wouldn't have stopped me. You couldn't stop me when I was.