Second Dispatch - [written]

[captainhornblower]

Monday, 16th May, 18

I have recently been given to thought about the [a pause in the writing as he considers his wording] conflict between this place and the [another considerable pause] worlds we come from.

How does one balance the two? I understand some have been away from their proper homes for some time. Surely some of you left behind obligations. How do you reconcile the need to return to them with your presence here? Do you somehow put them out of mind? Do you merely accept you cannot fulfill them until you return? I find the matter trying my conscience sorely.

I would appreciate any counsel on the matter.

Hornblower

Comments

[action]

[simplestgift]

You can't control everything. You couldn't control what I did.

[action]

[captainhornblower]

How could I have thought we'd get away with it, Archie? Even just that meeting? We were always being watched. Of course someone would have gone to Sawyer. It was suicide. Not just for me. For all of us.

["Officially" the plan had belonged, step by step, to Buckland.

After all, a junior officer pulling not one but two senior officers into the fold of a mutiny? Certainly not. But... Alone with Archie, Horatio would not deny who had really been the ringleader.]

It was suicide-- madness, really.

[As with every bad situation in the past, Horatio has replayed it countless times in his head, noted every possible flaw... and made up a great deal many more.]

[action]

[simplestgift]

It would've been suicide if we hadn't acted. For us and for the rest of the crew. God alone knows what would've happened to Wellard.

[action]

[captainhornblower]

Do you... think we were too cautious? Should we have acted then? The lieutenants, the midshipmen, a third of the crew... [He'd never thought to tell them what Matthews had passed on to him. That a third of the crew at least would have stood with them... Maybe more if they'd actually acted.]

[action]

[simplestgift]

Then more necks would have stretched than my own, Horatio. Let it be.

[action]

[captainhornblower]

I'm sorry, Archie.

[He knew he was thinking too much. That he'd always thought too much about this. He sighed.]

I never forgave myself for what happened to you, Archie. For the position you were in. Your injuries... and what you did for me.

[It's more than he likes to admit. More than he would ever say otherwise.]

That was the only reason I found any reason to wake up. To eat. [He hadn't been suicidal... not actively. But might he have fallen so far into apathy that food and rest might have been forgotten...? Horatio didn't trust himself with that answer.] Knowing what you'd done for me. That I couldn't let that be in vain.

[action]

[simplestgift]

Horatio...

[Why are you telling him this? You're supposed to be okay. He'd set everything up for you so you could have what you wanted, so you could live. That was supposed to make everything right.]

I couldn't do anything else. Whether or not I'd been wounded, it wouldn't have changed anything.

[action]

[captainhornblower]

If you hadn't been wounded, I wouldn't have ever let you.

[action]

[simplestgift]

You wouldn't have stopped me. You couldn't stop me when I was.

[action]

[captainhornblower]

Like Hell I wouldn't have.

[action]

[simplestgift]

You couldn't. Nothing could. Now leave it. You did what you thought was best.

[The words feel familiar, but not his own, and he suddenly realizes they were poorly chosen. Horatio probably doesn't remember.]

[action]

[captainhornblower]

[Horatio swallowed hard and only gripped Archie's shoulder. For a long moment, he sat like that. Silent.

Never again. I am never letting anything happen to you again. Not while I'm alive to prevent it.]

[action]

[simplestgift]

[That does not comfort him. Horatio always keeps his word, even when it meant going back to prison. One of his promises had been the most important in Archie's life--We don't leave unless you do. It had been kept. But what happens when Horatio can't keep his promise, through no fault of his own? What happens when he does everything in his power and still fails?

That's why Archie is here.

I protect you, too, Horatio.]

[action]

[captainhornblower]

[You shouldn't have to.

As far as Horatio was concerned, he should be able to stand alone against whatever the world threw at him, and protect those around him. That he might sometimes need protection or support was, still, a very foreign concept. Other units on a military action? Of course. But personal support? Not Horatio Hornblower.

He moved his hand, putting it on Archie's opposite shoulder, tugging his friend into a half hug.]

We're in this together.

[action]

[simplestgift]

[Archie slings his arm around Horatio's shoulders, returning the half-hug.] For better or worse. It's how the world works, Horatio. There isn't a man alive who was truly made to stand alone.