captainhornblower | [luceti]

...No. I wouldn't have got away with it.

[Either he'd have been caught by Simpson and privately punished, or he'd have been caught after the deed was done and hung from a yardarm.]

I should have been sorry to have never met you, so I suppose I must be glad of that.

[He sighs, well aware of the bitterness left from failure to strike at a moment like that. Hell, he had the opportunity more than Archie and far less cause, and he still hates himself for letting the chance pass.

But there is another issue at hand.]

Many men think of murder, Archie. Good men decide against it. Others...

Others try.

You're a better man than some for not having done it.

I'm a coward for failing to act for the good of...of everyone else he hurt, Horatio. Of my own dignity.

Edited 2011-07-01 07:36 (UTC)

You'd have been hanged if you did it, Archie.

[A pause.]

I am guilty of the same thing, though I had no cause to fear death. [Again, he stops. He hates the thought, hates the words, but he forces them out.] I tried to let him live.

Would it have mattered if he had? He was powerless by then, and you had rendered him so.

I had, perhaps. Temporarily.

But what of when the humiliation gnawed at him? The fury that he'd begged for his life from an eighteen-year-old boy? The hate that someone had not been afraid of him?

[He swallows hard.] Had he lived, Archie, he might have only been worse the next time he struck at someone else. He probably would have.

You didn't kill him. It's to your credit. You're no murderer.

I didn't kill him.

[He could let the subject drop there. He should let the subject drop there.

But no. Archie deserves to know. If he is concerned that he is not a good man, he deserves to know at least some of the other demons that follow the captain.]

And what of Sawyer?

You didn't kill him, either. God, Horatio, not everything that happens is your fault, even if you were there.

No, I didn't kill him. [A pause. A breath. And his eyes focused on a part of wall that made only his profile visible to the lieutenant.] But damned if I didn't try.

[Oh.

Oh.

That...had been a suspicion he'd talked himself out of already. But now...]

For the good of the service. Not hatred. He was an enemy, Horatio.

[The confession rolls around in his head still. The confession Horatio had not been willing to make in life, perhaps because he didn't want to burden a dying man.]

"For the good of the service."

[The words are too quiet, too bitter.

But if he was ever going to tell anyone, it was Archie. He had not been able to say it then, not able to tell his friend that he was not sacrificing himself for an innocent man. But if Archie would doubt himself... would doubt that he was a good man...]

Those are words, Archie, most often used to excuse otherwise inexcusable behaviour.

And then [his voice breaks, but he forces himself to keep going] you sacrificed yourself-- your name, your reputation-- to save me. And I let you. I let you take the blame for my crime, Archie.

[A pause.]

It is perhaps not much consolation, Mr. Kennedy, but you are a far better man than I am.

I made you, Horatio. It was my gift to you. And God knows I wouldn't have had it without you anyway. If you pushed Sawyer into the hold, it was to save an innocent boy and nigh on eight hundred other men.

[God, he doesn't have the strength for this, to fight with Horatio over this. Not now.]

It isn't...it isn't what you did, Horatio. It's why you did it. It's who you are. After a day in the oubliette, Horatio, I was begging them to let me out with promises I'd never try to escape again. But you, you simply gave your parole and kept it. You stood on the deck of the Indy and said you were going back.

[The change in subject makes Horatio turn his head and gives him a warm smile to look at Archie with.]

And I seem to recall that you, Mr. Kennedy, were the first man to agree to go back with me.

[He does not look the slightest bit reassured.] What would I have done, back then? On the Indy, without you? I didn't even know how to live anymore, Horatio, let alone function as midshipman on a frigate, and without you, I didn't have the will to try.

[Not something he's proud of, how completely dependent he had been on Horatio, emotionally, and he's not sure Horatio really ever grasped how bad it was.]

You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, Archie. You always have been. A lesser man...

[He sighs. There's only so much he can find the words to say, and there's an ache he can't describe at knowing Archie, at the very least, thinks himself anything less than a good man. If not a great man.]

Everything I've done, Archie...

Perhaps we hold ourselves to different standards than the other. But in my estimation, Archie? You... You remain the best man I have ever known.

...What if I told you that when Jack made the offer, I was tempted to become a pirate?

[That takes a long time to answer, and Horatio's gaze is unsure even as he tries to speak evenly.]

I... would want to know why.

Because it's the sea, Horatio. It's the sea and freedom all in one. [A pause.] I didn't. I wouldn't. You're my captain. But I was tempted.

Edited 2011-07-01 16:49 (UTC)

I understand. [The ease of the words surprises even him. He doesn't like it, doesn't sound like he likes it, but he doesn't sound angry. He understands. He's restless enough, away from his ship and the life at sea... In another couple of months...

No. Piracy would never sound enticing to him, he decides, but he can see the appeal. Especially here. Yes, especially here.]

[Really? Piracy would never be Horatio's thing, not even if no one was hurt and no one really owned anything. That chance to throw a punch at rules and convention that had smothered him for so long--it would be an extreme reaction, but at least it might scratch the itch.]

Perhaps. And perhaps not. You don't have to understand, Horatio. I do not ask you to.

[No. Fully honest with himself, Horatio Hornblower would never feel tempted by piracy... but he was not naive enough not to see the allure. Not to see where someone-- especially someone like Archie-- would be tempted.

The structure and control of the Royal Navy had always made him feel safe, had given him a place and told him (usually) what was expected of him. He'd always felt like he needed that.

Archie... Well. Archie was quite a different man, and they both knew it.]

I think I do. Understand, that is. The appeal. [He managed a weak smile as he looked at Archie.] But I'm glad you didn't.

You would never have been tempted.

I need the Navy.

You're a good man.

[luceti] - Appointments

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]

[action | Cullen House | June 27th]