captainhornblower | Second Dispatch

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Second Dispatch - [written]

Monday, 16th May, 18

I have recently been given to thought about the [a pause in the writing as he considers his wording] conflict between this place and the [another considerable pause] worlds we come from.

How does one balance the two? I understand some have been away from their ~~proper~~ homes for some time. Surely some of you left behind obligations. How do you reconcile the need to return to them with your presence here? Do you ~~somehow~~ put them out of mind? Do you merely accept you cannot fulfill them until you return? ~~I find the matter trying my conscience sorely.~~

I would appreciate any counsel on the matter.

Hornblower

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I almost decided to stay.

A friend met me there... probably the only real friend I had, growing up.

[there's a pause. Again, half-truths were only fitting at certain times, and this wasn't one of them] Actually...there's no probably about it. She was my lifeline for a really long time.

I hadn't seen her in years. I wasn't even the same person I'd been back then...but we had a chance to be together.

[...This isn't hitting uncomfortably close to home or anything.

He barely manages to speak.]

G-go on.

[her voice stays soft. A little sad. This wasn't one of her shining moments...but she thinks Horatio will understand]

It was easy there. Things weren't free, but they might as well have been. Money, jobs, places to stay...they all just had a way of sort of working out. And She was alive and happy and...I almost gave up everything I had back home.

It felt like we deserved it. I had a lot of people I cared about- that I still care about- but it was hard work, you know? Everything was a fight in the real world.

Here it was like we were earning some of the rewards from that fight, getting them back.

[a sigh] You might have guessed...she wasn't really alive. Not outside of that world. I don't know why I was able to enter. I know I wasn't the only living person in that place. But the majority had died back in our world. But it felt like a second chance.

Why in God's name would you leave?

[It's as close as he can come to admitting that... given the choice...

He probably wouldn't go back to his world if he knew he could stay with Archie.]

[oh, Horatio.

It's a more complicated answer than she wants to go into right now...mostly because half of it is a lesson he doesn't need. He's an officer in the navy and, from everything Archie has told her, he's not the type to expect handouts. So that part...the falsity of that place...he'll already be experiencing here. And she doesn't want to spoil part of the joy he has while they're trapped.

But the rest...?]

There was a canal. A place where you could hear whispers if you got too close. I did...and I could hear them.

All the people I left behind. All the conversations they were having about me just...being gone. What could have happened. Why I would have done it. [her voice has been steady through most of her tale, but it waivers at that. It had been an awful time, hearing their doubts. Knowing that they thought she'd failed and ended up back on the streets. Knowing how disappointed she'd made them. But none of that fits. Horatio's men would be worried. Not condemning him for a coward. So she lets it go. Lets him fill in the blanks for himself]

And I realized that, either way, I was losing someone. And I had a lot of responsibilities I couldn't leave behind. Not if I was going to be the person I claimed to be.

[Not if I was going to be the person I claimed to be.

There was no room for selfish desires in the British Royal Navy. King, country, and crew. Those were to be his primary concerns. And his family, but he could consider them to fall under "country."

He did the Crown no good here, was useless to everything he'd sworn himself to.

No. Her words were quite right. He couldn't abandon his world for this one simply because of what he wanted.]

...Yes. You're... quite right.

[she never meant this story as a reproach, and it breaks her heart to hear that quiet agreement. Because she knows what it is to want to stay. And she wants him to be able to hold on to Archie.

But she'd started this story for a purpose, and she pushes on]

When we found a way for me to go back...there was a price. They said I'd forget everything. I'd never remember I was there, or that Donna had found me. I wouldn't know that world existed.

....except, I do remember. I do know.

And I'm glad.

[a quiet breath] Maybe I'll never see her again...but she's not dead. Somewhere, she's living in a world with her brother. And she's playing in a band and she's happier than she ever was back in the world she left behind. And even if I'd forgotten her, she wouldn't have forgotten me. Or the time we had, and that's special too. Because she knows we're still friends.

This might not be permanent...but it's important.

[he could prefer to forget, and that makes complete sense to her. But there are some reasons that remembering, for whatever reason, might not be so bad either]

[It takes a very long time for Horatio to answer. His voice is strained but gentle. He's struggling to speak, but it's not directed at her.]

You, Miss...

I think you are far stronger than I could ever hope to be.

[that gets a soft laugh...bemused and a little surprised.]

My strength is borrowed. And I think you might have more than you give yourself credit for.

...but it's not strength you need right now, anyway. Right now, there's no way home, so those kinds of choices....they aren't really something that needs worrying over.

I'm afraid I was just as intolerable during the Peace.

[He chuckles faintly, but it's... not quite meant.]

Without war to occupy me, I settle too much on my thoughts.

[a small smile] I wouldn't call you intolerable.

You'll just have to find something worth focusing on, during the quiet times. It's a bit tricky with how quiet it can be... but there are jobs. And books. And there's always hobbies. I paint. Jack built a boat.

It never chases them away completely...but it helps. And it gets a bit easier the more you do it.

Oh, you've not seen anything yet. [A slight chuckle.]

I... will certainly have to find some way to keep myself occupied.

Forgive me for having burdened you with all this.

[there's a soft tsking noise on her end of the journal] Don't be silly. It's not a burden.

In a way... it's nice to know someone else understands. [not many people would truly get how hard it was to go back home...no matter how much you loved the people you left behind]

It... does help. Not to be alone.

[A slight, slight chuckle.]

I'm... I'm glad Archie's made the friends he has. He speaks so well of all of you, and I can see why.

Archie's been a good friend to a lot of people here. He deserves the friendship he's gathered. [and more]

He certainly does. [Ask Horatio what Archie deserves, and he won't hesitate on the answer. The world.]

Have you met many others?

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Second Dispatch - [written]

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